I have not posted here for almost a year. Perhaps it's because I have fallen into a bit of depression. On the bright side, I have been thinking about neat things and trying to build a deeper understanding on topics where everyone else has failed. So most likely, I will fail too, which is not of great concern to me; rather, I feel that I have not been directing my energies into areas that will most certainly bear fruit, so I might be left in the dust as a result. I can already see evidence that I am losing connections to my colleagues.
I am concerned that this depression is affecting many aspects of my job. Reading an article earlier today that was published prior to me presenting the Distinguished Faculty Address in 2005 (click here for the link), I felt that the same narrative would not apply to me now because of this dark undercurrent that draws away energy.
This morning I got a glimmer of hope when I asked my 20-student mechanics class why they chose to major in Physics. To fill the elongated pause, I offered, "To gain an understanding of how things work? To use your knowledge to invent things? To get rich? To be poor? You can do all these things with a degree in physics." This generated a bit of laughter. I then continued, "for me, I pictured myself being dirt poor, and living in a cave with a blackboard and some physics books. I sold out and took a lucrative industry job at Bell Labs, which I disliked. It wasn't that the work was uninteresting -- I ended up doing lots of fun physics, but I disliked the focus on a product."
I then went on, "However, I find it fun to make things and it was very enjoyable being part of a startup that I founded two decades ago. We did everything from basic research, to making products, and it felt a lot like academics. There was no boss telling us what to do. We all did what needed to be done. That company is now highly successful, but unfortunately, I got out of it years back before it took off."
Though the story brought back fond memories, I quickly got back into the subject matter.
Later in the day, I got an email from a student that said my question resonated with him and he described his passions and how a degree in physics would get him to his ideal career. However, he admitted that the subject was difficult to him and that he was struggling.
My reply to him (edited to keep anonymity) :
Dear so and so,
A very famous and highly respected colleague of mine (and more senior
than I am) once confided in me that he feels like a fraud. Everything
he does seems to take much more effort than it does to others and he
feels barely afloat. The well kept secret is that many people feel this
way, especially the successful ones because it drives them to work to exhaustion. Your approach is spot on; work hard to realize your
dream. And don't be concerned about exam scores; I consider exams to be a learning experience, so try to redo
the problems and learn from your mistakes. I will include a part of a
problem from this exam on the next one to make sure you have learned
form the process.
I always get myself into positions where I am struggling, because being
challenged is a sign that you are learning and growing. So relish the
feeling that you are struggling and that you might at times feel
stupid; that's a good thing. Check out
https://www.improbable.com/2011/04/29/the-importance-of-stupidity-2/. I
also wrote on the topic a couple years back. Take a look at
https://unknownphysicist.blogspot.com/2016/11/i-always-feel-stupid-and-confused.html.
Bottom line is that I never worry about students like you. I can see
that you are attentive in class, that you are following the material,
and that you participate when I ask questions. Keep the passion!
Best,
I hope that this letter has sparked the beginning of a return to my previous self. As I have found, writing this blog has therapeutic value even if it is never read. So more posts in the future will be a metric of my success in overcoming my malaise.
The next topic for discussion may be my feeling of mental deterioration. A faculty job requires multitasking at many levels, and I feel that in my older more feeble age, being diverted from actively practicing physics drains creative energy and dulls my senses. That's something that needs to be reveresed.
I still get excited when I learn something new, and research continues to be stimulating. The power of physics to explain phenomena, which can be harnessed to the betterment of humanity, is what attracted me to physics, and living with it throughout my lifetime has deepened my love for it.
That's a good starting point to build on...
